Lost

I'm feeling a bit lost today. I guess its one of those days where nothing is going on, nothing to stop me form thinking too much. Although i am only sixteen years old, I've started a life on my own a bit early. and even though I know i have a lot of time before expected to have my life in order, i guess i expected more of myself. Here i am fresh out of high school, I was in college, but was unable to return this semester, so from now until fall I am out of school. I had a job at Miss Delta southern food restaurant but was recently laid off. So at the moment I am out of school out of work and my days are left empty or in the company of Sam and his friends. I know i must sound spoiled, as i am living every teenagers dream, No school no work and i hang out with my boyfriend and friends all day long, but to me i feel as if my life is passing me by. I want to be somewhere in the music business, By now i wanted to be at a job that would advance to my career as a musician or a Sound engineer. Maybe working at a Venue, or an intern at a Studio, or at LEAST in a band i could be proud to be apart of. Sigh.... I guess i'll just work on one thing at a time.

Name Tagg

This day has been strange. It started with a bang! My mother's birthday.... I woke up and jumped into action, meeting her at her house to take her out for a mother daughter manicures. We went to the mall and put our names on the waiting list, we were told it would be about an hour, so that gave us time to get a quick bite to eat. After an hour we went back to the nail place where we're told to sit down. We wait yet another forty-five minutes, and right around the time where the fumes start to give us head aches we decide to leave. So we get back to my mothers place, she walks up into her bedroom where I start to hear her boyfriend and her scream at each other, this goes on and on and on and so i say my good-byes and left. My mother is a great person, but her choice in men..... well i'll save that for another time.

I get home, and my uncle is complaining about his latest aches and pains, my grandparents are sick, my brother still in bed at three a.m, and my cousin is looking for an source of attention he can get. I'm tired and in a bad mood as is but decide to cook. I bake a cheese cake from scratch knowing it would kill a bit of time, but even after it was done and cooling my mind was everywhere. I get a text message, and the first sight of Sam's name put a slight smile on my face. "Hello, Love. How are you?" I couldn't possibly tell him all that i was feeling through one text message, so i stepped outside to make the phone call. I walk around the block telling him about my eventful day. He tells me it's all going to be ok, and that he's sorry i was feeling so bad. I couldn't help but smile. But the conversation only lasted as long as it took to walk the block around once. He told me his phone was about to die, and just like that he was gone, and my bad mood had returned. I walked back into the stuffy overcrowded house. I ran through not saying a word to anyone, and lock myself in my room. I turned on my record player, and as it started to play "Across the Universe" i unrolled my yoga mat and began to de-stress. I focused on my breathing, and the lyrics. Before I knew it, the album had ended.

I turned of the player, and turned on my laptop. I sat on my bed and as i waited for my laptop to turn on, i closed my eyes, when i opened them, i felt the presence of someone beside me. Expecting it to be one of my many room mates, when i turned around i was surprised with a kiss. I could tell by the way my breath was sucked from my lungs, and the way the room danced around my head it was Sam. I was overwhelmed by the surprise, i wrapped my arms around his neck and refused to let go until the room stopped spinning. I heard him chuckle at my response, and i finally let go. We went to the kitchen and poured two cups of coffee, and went to the porch to talk. We sat in silence, just sipping our hot coffee, and smiled at the thought of each others company. He talked about his day stopping in between sentences just to smile at me. We finished our coffee and went inside to watch a movie. We sat on the couch wrapped in each others arms paying little attention to the movie, just breathing in the energy that surrounded us.

After the movie we went back to the porch. Again we didn't say much, just sat there and looked at each other, but this time he didn't smile. I asked him what he was thinking, he replied with a long speech about how for the short time we have been together, he cared about me too much, and he didn't want to hurt me though he has no intention of doing anything that could. He loves me. He told me that. And today was the day I finally broke and told him i truly loved him too. We kissed, and once again the world was spinning around me. I looked out to the street trying to focus my eyes on something to stop the dizziness, and i felt a cold line around my neck followed by his warm breath in my ear as he whispered, "Don't take this off until your truly 100% over me." as i griped the necklace in my hand all i could say was, "I won't." it didn't take long to realize what hung right above my heart. It was a tag with Samuel W. Smith written on it with his birthday. It was a tag he's been wearing everyday for five years, something i've come to know as a part of him, and now hangs close to my heart at all times.

Short and Sweet

Today was long and drawn out. Nothing to big to expect. I knew it was a day where i just had to stay home, just to make an appearance and let my room mates know that i do indeed still live here. Even with my strange need to be home i felt myself longing for the company of Sam. I had only seen him the day before but i didn't think i could end the day without him taking my breath at least once tonight. I sent him a text telling him i'd like to see him tonight, and inviting him over, and he replied, "let me finish up here, and I'm all your's." it was then that a light went off in my head. "i'm all your's." Though its true we've been together only a couple of months, and He is anything but quiet about his Frivolous past, today it sunk in. He truly is mine. I've not doubted his faithfulness though i'm aware of his past. He is all mine. I thought it was only fair to make sure to let him know that I am his. Though by the way he looks at me, and the pride he has in holding me in his arms i'm sure he already knows.

Teen Love?

Though I tend to make fun of the over dramatic teenagers, that seem to be "in love" with every two week relationship they come across, I've found myself to be stuck in that category as well. Although in the past 3 years I have only been in two relationships I've regrettably tossed around the three letter phrase as if it were a given. I can't say i didn't mean it. Andrew and I were together two and a half years, a long relationship considering our age. Truth be told I did love him, but i think theres a big difference between "love" and "in love" and I just can't say i was "in love" with him. We connected through music, and our love for the art, and though he swore he would one day make me his wife, i couldn't help but think there was something else to being "in love" then i could, at that time, understand. Breaking up with Andrew was the hardest thing i have ever done. He was a very sweet person, a hopeless romantic, who showered me in affection, we had a perfectly healthy relationship, so explaining to him why i needed to break up with him was hard. Even to this day he doesn't understand it completely and i don't know how else to explain it to him.

Three months ago I met Sam. I wasn't expecting much out of the relationship at first, just a few laughs and a good time, But as each day would pass i'm finding more then just a good time. He's a very smart guy, and try's to understand my deep way of thinking, and challenges me to think in a simpler way. He catches me off guard a lot. We could be laughing having a cup of coffee when he'll stop and just stare at me, like he's trying to concentrate on something. He'll just stare into my eyes and though i feel as if i should look away my eyes refuse to leave his. This has happened a number of times, and each time surprises me. Often while thinking about him i have gotten light headed and needed to sit down, and every time we kiss its like the first. Our lips touch, lightly at first, but a wave of passion takes over and a fire starts in the pit of my stomach, my head swims unable to complete a thought, the world around us melts away and all thats left is us. It takes a bit of strength to pull away, and our face still hover close to each other, our eyes closed our breath shallow. I feel the three little words begin to form on my tongue, but i'm quick to swallow them, my stomach hurts as it try's to reject them, but i'm strong to make sure they stay down. This happens every night. Every kiss.....every word.......every touch......I'm growing weaker everyday, trying to refrain from saying I love you, because I refuse to say it again until i know that i'm "in love" and not just another hopeless teenager looking for "Mr. Right" and only finding "Mr. Right Now"

Inro To my Life

My name is Mindi Heart. I was born to a 19 year old high school drop out with a three year

old already on her hip. I was born with a twin brother. My mother was a good person who had

made some bad choices, she had made the choice to give my brother and i the best chance at life

she could, to do this she felt it was in our best interest to live with other family's. So I was adopted

by her loving aunt.

After I was settled into my new family, We moved to a beautiful little town the The Czech

Republic, Zlin. I lived there most of my childhood with my two Sisters Alycia and Amanda, and my

Brother Billy. Also living with us was my three cousins Thadeus (tod-e-osh), Jonas (Yo-Nosh), and

Yana (Yawn-ah). I had a lovely upbringing. Days filled with music and dancing, summer swims, and

winter fires.

When I was six i was given a choice. Stay in Zlin with the family I know and love, or move to

Portland Oregon and live with my birth mother. Being the dreamer that I am i looked at the move

as if it were an adventure, as a journey just waiting to be discovered. I had no idea what i was

getting myself into.

So here i am in North Portland (NoPo) living the journey i promised myself. Sharing with all

who wishes to hear. I end my first post with a quote I love. I've yet to understand it compleatly

but thats part of what pulls me in.

"Two body's have i though both joined in one, the stiller i stand the faster i run."

-Gerard Way