Guilty Pleasures

I had, at one time seen him everyday of my life since we met, and still my heart pounded with every step i took that got me closer to him. I knocked on the door, and he answered mid knock, we hugged exchanged greetings, how are yous and such and then moved to the couch. I reached in my bag and pulled out his birthday present. he had been learning piano since i last saw him, so i got him a song book of old Beatles songs, i wasn't sure at first if it was something he would like but as it turns out he loved it.
we spent the rest of the night watching the basket ball game, making jokes and bets on how the game was going to end. every so often i'd just look up at him, he'd look at me we'd both smile, we knew we should look away but our gazes were stuck, and our smiles were glued to our faces even after we got the strength to look away. we started the night on opposite sides of the couch and slowly inched closer together i'd put my hand down by the side of my leg and he would do the same so our hands would just touch, which made me smile again. this happened a lot throughout the night, and suddenly it was close to ten o'clock. i stood up and he hugged me. this hug was different then anyone he'd ever given me before, it was tighter but still gentle our breaths were in sync and it was hard to let go. we walked to the door and just as i was about to walk out he turned me around and hugged me again. smiling and a little dizzy, i left happier then i ever remember being since 8th grade graduation when we left for different high schools. i'm seeing him again on Saturday :)

One Letter 6 Years in the making

I love you.

you'd think this would say it all, you'd think it'd be that easy that simple but for some reason every time i got close to telling you i choked. Although i was 98% sure that you felt the same way, that two percent was just too big a risk, that two percent chance that you just might not feel the same way, would kill me.

We met during the worst time in my life, i was going through death, love, rape, physical, verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse, lies, truths, and you were there through all of it. you never knew what was going on but everyday you made me feel better even when you didn't know i was upset. When i was with you, thats all there was in the world. Me and you. You made me laugh, you made me smile, and even when you made me madder then i could remember, you could always make me forget it in a second just by smiling.

i saw you everyday, we talked everyday, we laughed everyday, and we said goodbye everyday, for three years. then one day.........you were gone. suddenly my world was darker. And i worked from then on out trying to get back that light in my life. and though you inspired me to get this far, to make my life better, it could never be as bright as it was when you were in it.

I know i've waited too long to get this all out there. We've both moved on to other people. you have her, and i see how much you love her and even though it should kill me inside, i'm happy for you. because your happy, and thats all i could ever ask of you, because i truly do love you, and i know thats never going to stop. Six years of endless friendship is proof to that.

<3

writing topic #1

So my recent writers block has sent me into a swirl of frustration, so as i recently found out i find it amazingly easy to write when provided a topic, so i'm going to find a topic every night (i hope ha ha) to hopefully break my block.

Todays Topic: Why I love To Sing

Growing up I was forced to keep a lot of secrets, my step father was abusive physicality, verbally, and Sexually. I kept this all a secret while going through middle school, it hurt a lot of relationships that was just beginning, and i was hurting myself both mentally and much to my dismay physically as well. i started singing as a way to release stress, and stay away from home as much as possible, but as i later found out, it is a great way to tell my dark secrets without actually having people know. You can't hide even your darkest secrets and fears from your music, its the truest form of yourself. its my singing that saved my life, it saved me from myself and from my step father at the same time, and has continued to help me grow as a person, and friend, a lover, a sister, and a daughter. and to that i owe my life to my music.

Before when i got that feeling, that it was the "beginning of the end" i would abandon all hope and just wait for the relationship to end. I was half expecting to do that with Sam. but something made me tell him, something made me talk to him to tell him that i was feeling kinda strange about our relationship. We fought about it, out of fear, for a night and then it was right back to having the amazing relationship we had before. Perfect. I'm going to make a better effort to tell him when things are bothering me.

The Beginning of the End

We have nothing left to say to each other. Even our text messages are awkward. Our "i love you's " are empty, our fights are stupid, some days it feels like he's not even trying anymore, and some days i wounder why i even bother trying....

Mr. Right (Now?)

Yet again i'm swept off my feet by a wave of romance portrayed as love, and yet again i'm forced to think about if its truly what i want. I have decided to give up my search for a fairly tale love, seeing as though it doesn't nor ever well exist, but now i'm forced to try and figure out a way to know if i am truly in love with Sam the way I've convinced myself. Before today there was no doubt in my mind that we were, and i'm not entirely sure why i doubt that now. At the age of 17 i guess it's something i shouldn't have to worry about, but being the way i am, i do. My family has a strange way of finding their true loves young. My grand parents met at the age of fifteen and got married as soon as they turned eighteen, my aunt and uncle were high school sweethearts that also got married as soon as they could. My mother wasn't so lucky, though she met my father and got married the second the law allowed, he wasn't her true love, she did try again, she found someone new before the divorce was final, and then again after that.... so it seems that you either find your true love young or you don't find him... I was never too worried about that to tell you the truth, but every time i got a new boyfriend, my family would treat it as if they thought it would last forever. even now with Sam, talk of someday getting married is a common topic of conversation with my family, but later when laughing about it with Sam, i felt uneasy about the words that followed. We both made it clear that we loved each other very much but at this time we did not want to think of marriage. Which was fine with me. He went on to say that he didn't want to get married at all, that he just wanted to date for ten years and have a common law marriage, this is what got me thinking. I told him that someday i would like to be married but it wasn't too high up on my list. As the conversation went on he revealed something else that made me a little uneasy. His idea of what to do about cheating. He said if someone in the relationship cheats then all that needed to be done to fix it was the other person gets a free pass to cheat. I do not agree with this, i believe that cheating is a bigger deal then that, its betraying the other persons trust and just "evening the score" will not repair that. I guess tonight just opened my eyes to the fact that this is not a forever thing, although i never thought it as something that would last forever i never thought about it as something that wouldn't. but today i see our ideas and thoughts about relationships are different, and though its not a problem right now, i fear someday it will be. So where do i go from here? On one hand i'm knowingly continuing a relationship i know will fail, on the other i'm 17 and i'm allowed to just date for the fun and experience of it all. Any Advice??

Hell explained

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Love, Lust or Desperation

So the past two days I've been giving a lot of thought about the concept of love, and whether or not it truly exists. i know that love as an emotion exists, but i'm wondering about the fairy tale, happily ever after, love I've always dreamed about. I'm talking about the kind of love where the butterflies never go away, where even after years and years of being together you can still look at the person like you've never seen him before in your life, where every kiss still takes your breath away. I feel like i need to know. If there is a love like that out there, i want to know, or is love just finding someone you don't mind spending the rest of your life with, and you should just expect the spark to go away..... any advice on the matter???

Getting it Together

This lost feeling I've been having is withering away. I've been keeping myself busy. working on getting a band together. I've managed to get everyone i need for a band and a name. My best friend Kyle has agreed to Sing with me and he's about as excited about the process as i am. The two of us have been talking back and forth about ideas and song lyrics and such. this Friday will be our first practice. i can't tell you how excited i am to be involved in music again.

Last night Sam and i had a huge fight. It was the first real fight we've ever had. It was very confusing too. we were laughing having a good time, until my roommates got home. I don't know why, but whenever they come home i get quiet, not sad, not upset, just quiet. for some reason that sparked it all. Suddenly Sam was acting weird, like he was angry, but he wouldn't talk about it, he'd just snap at me. after a while i just got upset. i chose to leave him alone for a while, to let him work through whatever, after an hour i went to talk to him and he was still snapping at me,and then we just sat there in silence, i couldn't take it so i just ran inside and let myself get upset for a minute until he chased after me. when i realized the whole thing was about nothing at all i got angry. i walked him outside, sat him down. I could tell he was still upset almost mad, but i didn't care he needed to hear what i had to say. I told him that i was not going to go through this every time he was a little stressed out, i told him that i have had to escape from three different relationships where the man had walked all over me, and i was NOT going to do that again, and if thats how the relationship was going to be, he needed to tell me now so i can end it. I think this opened his eyes a little, he started to cry, and told me he was sorry, that he loved me and he was scared to death of losing me. we calmed down a bit, and he opened his heart up to me, we talked some more, and then when we were calm enough, we went inside and enjoyed the rest of our night together.

Lost

I'm feeling a bit lost today. I guess its one of those days where nothing is going on, nothing to stop me form thinking too much. Although i am only sixteen years old, I've started a life on my own a bit early. and even though I know i have a lot of time before expected to have my life in order, i guess i expected more of myself. Here i am fresh out of high school, I was in college, but was unable to return this semester, so from now until fall I am out of school. I had a job at Miss Delta southern food restaurant but was recently laid off. So at the moment I am out of school out of work and my days are left empty or in the company of Sam and his friends. I know i must sound spoiled, as i am living every teenagers dream, No school no work and i hang out with my boyfriend and friends all day long, but to me i feel as if my life is passing me by. I want to be somewhere in the music business, By now i wanted to be at a job that would advance to my career as a musician or a Sound engineer. Maybe working at a Venue, or an intern at a Studio, or at LEAST in a band i could be proud to be apart of. Sigh.... I guess i'll just work on one thing at a time.

Name Tagg

This day has been strange. It started with a bang! My mother's birthday.... I woke up and jumped into action, meeting her at her house to take her out for a mother daughter manicures. We went to the mall and put our names on the waiting list, we were told it would be about an hour, so that gave us time to get a quick bite to eat. After an hour we went back to the nail place where we're told to sit down. We wait yet another forty-five minutes, and right around the time where the fumes start to give us head aches we decide to leave. So we get back to my mothers place, she walks up into her bedroom where I start to hear her boyfriend and her scream at each other, this goes on and on and on and so i say my good-byes and left. My mother is a great person, but her choice in men..... well i'll save that for another time.

I get home, and my uncle is complaining about his latest aches and pains, my grandparents are sick, my brother still in bed at three a.m, and my cousin is looking for an source of attention he can get. I'm tired and in a bad mood as is but decide to cook. I bake a cheese cake from scratch knowing it would kill a bit of time, but even after it was done and cooling my mind was everywhere. I get a text message, and the first sight of Sam's name put a slight smile on my face. "Hello, Love. How are you?" I couldn't possibly tell him all that i was feeling through one text message, so i stepped outside to make the phone call. I walk around the block telling him about my eventful day. He tells me it's all going to be ok, and that he's sorry i was feeling so bad. I couldn't help but smile. But the conversation only lasted as long as it took to walk the block around once. He told me his phone was about to die, and just like that he was gone, and my bad mood had returned. I walked back into the stuffy overcrowded house. I ran through not saying a word to anyone, and lock myself in my room. I turned on my record player, and as it started to play "Across the Universe" i unrolled my yoga mat and began to de-stress. I focused on my breathing, and the lyrics. Before I knew it, the album had ended.

I turned of the player, and turned on my laptop. I sat on my bed and as i waited for my laptop to turn on, i closed my eyes, when i opened them, i felt the presence of someone beside me. Expecting it to be one of my many room mates, when i turned around i was surprised with a kiss. I could tell by the way my breath was sucked from my lungs, and the way the room danced around my head it was Sam. I was overwhelmed by the surprise, i wrapped my arms around his neck and refused to let go until the room stopped spinning. I heard him chuckle at my response, and i finally let go. We went to the kitchen and poured two cups of coffee, and went to the porch to talk. We sat in silence, just sipping our hot coffee, and smiled at the thought of each others company. He talked about his day stopping in between sentences just to smile at me. We finished our coffee and went inside to watch a movie. We sat on the couch wrapped in each others arms paying little attention to the movie, just breathing in the energy that surrounded us.

After the movie we went back to the porch. Again we didn't say much, just sat there and looked at each other, but this time he didn't smile. I asked him what he was thinking, he replied with a long speech about how for the short time we have been together, he cared about me too much, and he didn't want to hurt me though he has no intention of doing anything that could. He loves me. He told me that. And today was the day I finally broke and told him i truly loved him too. We kissed, and once again the world was spinning around me. I looked out to the street trying to focus my eyes on something to stop the dizziness, and i felt a cold line around my neck followed by his warm breath in my ear as he whispered, "Don't take this off until your truly 100% over me." as i griped the necklace in my hand all i could say was, "I won't." it didn't take long to realize what hung right above my heart. It was a tag with Samuel W. Smith written on it with his birthday. It was a tag he's been wearing everyday for five years, something i've come to know as a part of him, and now hangs close to my heart at all times.

Short and Sweet

Today was long and drawn out. Nothing to big to expect. I knew it was a day where i just had to stay home, just to make an appearance and let my room mates know that i do indeed still live here. Even with my strange need to be home i felt myself longing for the company of Sam. I had only seen him the day before but i didn't think i could end the day without him taking my breath at least once tonight. I sent him a text telling him i'd like to see him tonight, and inviting him over, and he replied, "let me finish up here, and I'm all your's." it was then that a light went off in my head. "i'm all your's." Though its true we've been together only a couple of months, and He is anything but quiet about his Frivolous past, today it sunk in. He truly is mine. I've not doubted his faithfulness though i'm aware of his past. He is all mine. I thought it was only fair to make sure to let him know that I am his. Though by the way he looks at me, and the pride he has in holding me in his arms i'm sure he already knows.

Teen Love?

Though I tend to make fun of the over dramatic teenagers, that seem to be "in love" with every two week relationship they come across, I've found myself to be stuck in that category as well. Although in the past 3 years I have only been in two relationships I've regrettably tossed around the three letter phrase as if it were a given. I can't say i didn't mean it. Andrew and I were together two and a half years, a long relationship considering our age. Truth be told I did love him, but i think theres a big difference between "love" and "in love" and I just can't say i was "in love" with him. We connected through music, and our love for the art, and though he swore he would one day make me his wife, i couldn't help but think there was something else to being "in love" then i could, at that time, understand. Breaking up with Andrew was the hardest thing i have ever done. He was a very sweet person, a hopeless romantic, who showered me in affection, we had a perfectly healthy relationship, so explaining to him why i needed to break up with him was hard. Even to this day he doesn't understand it completely and i don't know how else to explain it to him.

Three months ago I met Sam. I wasn't expecting much out of the relationship at first, just a few laughs and a good time, But as each day would pass i'm finding more then just a good time. He's a very smart guy, and try's to understand my deep way of thinking, and challenges me to think in a simpler way. He catches me off guard a lot. We could be laughing having a cup of coffee when he'll stop and just stare at me, like he's trying to concentrate on something. He'll just stare into my eyes and though i feel as if i should look away my eyes refuse to leave his. This has happened a number of times, and each time surprises me. Often while thinking about him i have gotten light headed and needed to sit down, and every time we kiss its like the first. Our lips touch, lightly at first, but a wave of passion takes over and a fire starts in the pit of my stomach, my head swims unable to complete a thought, the world around us melts away and all thats left is us. It takes a bit of strength to pull away, and our face still hover close to each other, our eyes closed our breath shallow. I feel the three little words begin to form on my tongue, but i'm quick to swallow them, my stomach hurts as it try's to reject them, but i'm strong to make sure they stay down. This happens every night. Every kiss.....every word.......every touch......I'm growing weaker everyday, trying to refrain from saying I love you, because I refuse to say it again until i know that i'm "in love" and not just another hopeless teenager looking for "Mr. Right" and only finding "Mr. Right Now"

Inro To my Life

My name is Mindi Heart. I was born to a 19 year old high school drop out with a three year

old already on her hip. I was born with a twin brother. My mother was a good person who had

made some bad choices, she had made the choice to give my brother and i the best chance at life

she could, to do this she felt it was in our best interest to live with other family's. So I was adopted

by her loving aunt.

After I was settled into my new family, We moved to a beautiful little town the The Czech

Republic, Zlin. I lived there most of my childhood with my two Sisters Alycia and Amanda, and my

Brother Billy. Also living with us was my three cousins Thadeus (tod-e-osh), Jonas (Yo-Nosh), and

Yana (Yawn-ah). I had a lovely upbringing. Days filled with music and dancing, summer swims, and

winter fires.

When I was six i was given a choice. Stay in Zlin with the family I know and love, or move to

Portland Oregon and live with my birth mother. Being the dreamer that I am i looked at the move

as if it were an adventure, as a journey just waiting to be discovered. I had no idea what i was

getting myself into.

So here i am in North Portland (NoPo) living the journey i promised myself. Sharing with all

who wishes to hear. I end my first post with a quote I love. I've yet to understand it compleatly

but thats part of what pulls me in.

"Two body's have i though both joined in one, the stiller i stand the faster i run."

-Gerard Way